How to win an argument

There is no such thing as winning an argument. Thanks for reading.

Alright fine, I’ll explain myself.

When we find ourselves disagreeing with someone about a certain topic, a lot of us let our emotions get the better of us. It can get to the point where we feel like doing anything in our power to defeat our opponent - mortal combat fatality style.

But this isn’t the mindset to have. We need to be able to enter an argument with an entirely different goal: To learn something new.

Somebody will always know something that you don’t.

And in order to learn something new, we must be able to listen, and listen well.

If we do not understand one another’s arguments, how can we expect to have a constructive conversation about anything?

Problems arise not because of conflicting arguments, or but due to a lack of common courtesy. Most people fail to develop and exercise the ‘not being an a-hole to others’ skill.

If the opposite party you’re arguing with cannot conduct themselves and others with respect and integrity, I suggest that you kindly ignore them, or call them out on their behaviour and stop arguing entirely. They’re not worth your time.

This doesn’t mean both parties need to agree fully about a topic, though. We always have the option to agree to disagree; meaning that both parties can recognise each others’ views, but accept that there’s no way of changing each others’ minds on a topic.

Here are a few habits that we can all implement today to be a better listener:

1. Always, and I mean always, be respectful to the people you’re talking to.

It doesn’t matter if they call you names or humiliate you by talking about your mother. If you stoop to their level, you’re no better than them.

If they attack you personally, it also means that you’ve planted a new idea or way of thinking in their heads.

2. Seek first to understand, then to be understood.

I got this idea from Jordan Peterson. We cannot have a constructive argument without first understanding what the argument is about in the first place.

“Pineapples are great one they’re own, but it doesn’t belong on pizza” is not the same as “I hate pineapples”. Understand the difference, only then, can you share your thoughts.

3. Listen curiously.

Don’t just act or look like you’re listening (although that is important too), be genuinely curious. Your demeanour and mannerisms change when this mindset is adopted.

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I hope this post sparks a different way of thinking in the world of arguments. It’s hard to keep a level head when we’re arguing, but if we let ourselves respond with pure emotion, we risk hurting people, especially the ones we love most dearly.